tHe ThiNgS wE SaY

Language is the medium of poets and writers. It is, in my opinion, the most powerful and effective way to communicate to others. It has the power to destroy and edify. Unfortunately, few people understand this, especially Christians.

Why is this?

I think it's because Christians are the most postmodern people I know. I know non-believers that are less postmodern than Christians. Now, I'm not saying that postmodernism is bad; on the contrary, postmodernism contains some good stuff in it for us to learn from. An example would be understanding that there is more than one perspective and many different ways Christians come to know Christ. Also, postmodernism should teach us that there is relative truth in this world and we all have different experiences to justify that regardless if we interpreted them as right or wrong.

However, many Christians are so subjective about the small, unnecessary things like traditional versus contemporary, biblical studies versus theology, Calvinism versus Arminianism, etc, that we place things in binaries and become our worst enemy. I'm not saying that theology, biblical studies, and those things are wrong, but you can't place everything in a dichotomy all the time. It's not biblical and it's wrong.

Now, I'm not trying to fix some gap between Christians and make everything right; I can't do that. But Jesus can. However, if we are supposed to be people of the Word, we need to start living like people of the Word. I think the reason why most non-believers attack or argue against Christianity (especially in the West) is because they were hurt by Christians at some point or another. If the Word of Christ is so powerful to change them and bring them to Him, why do we not let it change us and go to Him?

LeTTinG gO

For those of you who don't know me well, I am a big Tolkien fan. You can ask me almost anything about Tolkien's universe and I can give an answer. I'm just that way.

Anyways, in Tolkien's universe, Illuvatar, the God of Tolkien's mythos, made his children. His children are the Eldest and the Youngest. The Eldest are the Elves, and the Youngest are the Men. While Elves and Men look alike, they are different. Elves are immortal and Men are not. Elves and Men can die; however, if a Elf dies he can be reborn, but if a Man dies he goes to the Halls of Mandos to wait till a specific day when Elves and Men will be reunited in a perfect world. Elves are wise and seek to perserve things. Men, on the other hand, seek evil usually. Many bad things happen in The Silmarillion and The Lord of the Rings that reveal the situation of Elves and Men. Because everything dies, Elves seek to perserve because they want to maintain the status quo. They see Men as the antithesis of this to some degree. In both books, both Dark Lords use this desire to perserve to their advantage. Why?

Because in order to perserve you must control.

There's no other way around it.

In some ways I understand the Elves position. Being the oldest in my family, I have a tendecy to be a bit of a perfectionist and I have more experience than my younger brothers. I also remember things well. My worst habit is trying to perserve things and live in perfect nostalgia. I try to relive the best moments in my life only by ruining them. And what's worse is that I even try to perserve the people around me. Though I haven't done this much anymore, it's something that I bad at. I feel like I need to control everything around me in order to feel safe. I would love living in The Shire or Lothlorien to be honest, because that's exactly what the hobbits and Elves try to do in some way.

Yet, I know I am not safe. Nothing in this world is safe. You can try and protect it, but you can't save it. Jesus said not to store up our treasures on earth, but store up heavenly things. This I forgot. Not only do I need to let go of others, but also I must let go of myself. I can't save myself. I think that's why having faith is so important, because the only person who can save your life is Jesus Christ.

It's definitely a struggle for me, but that's why I'm a Christian. If I wasn't struggling I would be dead.

a sTraNgE RaBBiT tRaiL

Recently, I came across a list of things I promised myself I would never do.

1) I will never talk about things I don't know.

2) I will never wish for anything.

3) I will never share my deep feelings with anyone.

4) I will never let people do unnecessary things for me.

5) I will never let anyone get close to me.

Those are just a few of some of things I promised myself a couple years ago. I don't really know if I was completely successful in keeping that list, but it's hard for me to want to break it. Promises are interesting though. When you think about how far a person is willing to hold a promise can be terrifying. Some people don't think promises are important, and break them easily. Some people, like myself, keep them as much as possible. Though I have become relaxed with some of them, I have only let a few go because I realized how vain some of them were.

I think what scares me the most about being human and slowly learning about the condition of my soul is how readily eager I am to destroy everything. I think it's because I want people to feel guilty for hurting me instead of feeling guilty myself. It's just protection. I like to protect myself in any conceivable way possible. But it's a contradiction too.

While I want to hide and protect myself, I really want others to know what's going on inside. Pride is definitely the main factor, but so is fear. Fear is what keeps my pride going. Not many things make me afraid (except falling), but what I'm most afraid of is myself. It scares me to think what God and others think about me. I'd rather not know to be honest.

I'm not sure how I went from talking about promises to talking about my own issues, but sometimes confessing things is difficult. You can't change the world until you change yourself. And the only way you can change yourself is by letting things go. Though that's another blog post waiting to happen, I think this is my big problem right now. I don't want to let what's in my heart out. I know that God knows, but with people you can never know what's going to happen. Just pray for me.

nEw YeaR's DaY

I spent my New Year's Eve and Day out in the wilderness. To be more specific, I spend my holiday out along the Chattooga River. It was cold, but not terribly cold. The low was roughly in the 20s and the high in the 40s. Not bad.

I had a great time! I enjoyed spending it with three great friends, and we enjoyed each others company. Though I did get a little cold while I was sleeping, it was a good trip. However, what I really got out of this trip are the decisions I made on it.

This is a new year, so I want to do what I can to bring God more glory than I have in the past. It has been tough for me making Him my top priority, but I must make the change if I'm going to change. This year is going to be different for me. For those of you around me, I'm not going to be the same like I was before. I want to be His. It's going to be tough, but I know that He will help me as long as I'm willing. And Lord willing, it will happen.

My NeW YeaR's Re-SoLuTiOn(s)

While I can't say that this year was great, it wasn't that bad. I finished getting my B.A., I was published, I started working full-time, hung out with great friends, and I started taking Jeet Kune Do lessons. However, I've only done about a third of the stuff I was originally planning to do.

Here are somethings I want to focus on in 2009:

1) To grow in Christ even more and to be more obedient in faith.

2) To know the Word more than I do now.

3) To write poetry like crazy.

4) Read more books.

5) I want to spend more time volunteering.

6) I want to keep up with my Jeet Kune Do training and learn more about martial arts.

7) I want to study language.

Yeah, that's about it. I thought about writing something a little more meaning full, but I want to keep it simple and to the point. I just don't want to overwhelm myself again.

SoMe HabiTs aRe jUsT tOO...

"Habitual"

The word that describes me the best.

I am definitely a creature of habit. I don't give up easily. I don't like others serving and protecting me unneedlessly, and my reaction to it is always the same. I love eating cookies and drinking milk. I love going for walks. I love chai lattes. I get upset when people discourage me. I laugh at the wrong time. And I hit the snooze button more than most.

Now, let me define what is "habitual" for me. A habit, either good or bad, can be a saying, an action, a thought, a feeling, a mind-set, a routine, or something else that we as humans do repeatedly and, sometimes, excessively. Some of my habits are bad, and some are even sinful. But, most of my habits are just irritating.

Why?

Well, I am irritated by my habits because I am well aware of when I'm committing them. I know that some people might find it difficult or easy to understand, but don't get me wrong; even though my habits come across as silly and absurd, I can't stand them. For example, one of worst habits of mine is trying to find conversation. Everytime I'm with someone I feel that I need to have some sort of substantial conversation. I can't stand it! Honestly, if I ever find some one who just sits there and doesn't care what I say I'll be happy! Why? Because I would rather spend time with someone who isn't interested in looking normal than with a freak who thinks that if you can't say anything you might as well just not hang out. That, to me, is not the point in hanging out. The point in hanging out is spending time with another person, whether it's in silence, conversation, walking around, playing games, etc, it doesn't matter to me; it doesn't take much to satisfy me.

Ever since I was a kid, my parent would by me expensive toys only to discover that they generally wasted their money. I would play with construction paper and tissues before I would play with my legos or action figures. This is probably an annoying habit too, but regardless, I've been this way for a long time.

Maybe that's why God doesn't give me many things. Every time I buy a book, some clothes, or something cool, I think, "Why did I buy this? This is stupid! I'm probably not going to use it." Again another bad habit. ErRrRr!

I was going to write something personal here, but I think I'll wait. This post is turning into an emotional and superfluous rant instead of something substantial. So, forget it. :P

TiS tHe sEaSOn

Unfortunately in America, the Christmas season starts as early as Halloween; but, in most places it's after Thanksgiving. But regardless when the Christmas season starts, the end of the year marks the time for Giving.

Because I am a Christian, Giving means a lot more to me than just giving presents. To me, Giving means giving something that's valued by one's soul; something that's so important, it would be like giving up a part of yourself. True, Giving comes in many forms --money, material objects, cards, and the like-- but for me I like to give things away that are difficult and enjoyable too (it's not always both though).

One example of something I like to give is friendship. Though I don't think everyone places a high value on some of the benefits of friendship, I like to give things to my friends that are concrete and abstract. Sometimes I'll give my friends books, letters, food, and assistance when needed, but most of the time I prefer to give them love, encouragement, hope, trust, admonition, honesty, and a plethora of things they can't necessarily see.

Truthfully, though, it's difficult to give these abstract qualities away. Though I love giving my friends these things, many times it gets trampled and torn. Yet, I still try my best to smile and be happy that I can at least afford them something. I just try to remember the times when I did the same to Christ, because I do it a LOT!

But there are some things that makes me wonder about Giving. For example, the church places an emphasis on one form of giving called tithing. This is probably something a lot of Christians have trouble with, but where I have trouble with it is this: must I tithe every Sunday to my church when I give to other Christian organizations (i.e.: charities, homeless shelters, non-profit organizations)? I mean, I am a post-undergraduate student trying to muster a living, and though I don't use this as an excuse, curiosity just begs me to question. I would like to relate an example to a certain Fourth Wise Man from legends who gave his intended gift to the Infant Christ to those who were in need. The only problem with this example is that it isn't biblical. Granted, I am still learning from Scripture and some of my memories of what I have already studied has become somewhat vague and muddled. However, I just wonder....

Well, I must admit I have many questions concerning Giving and the like. But about tithing, I think I'll still tithe to my church regardless of the other institutions I may support financially. I don't want to deviate from what I know at least to be true until I can prove that what I wonder to be true is true. :P