a sTraNgE RaBBiT tRaiL

Recently, I came across a list of things I promised myself I would never do.

1) I will never talk about things I don't know.

2) I will never wish for anything.

3) I will never share my deep feelings with anyone.

4) I will never let people do unnecessary things for me.

5) I will never let anyone get close to me.

Those are just a few of some of things I promised myself a couple years ago. I don't really know if I was completely successful in keeping that list, but it's hard for me to want to break it. Promises are interesting though. When you think about how far a person is willing to hold a promise can be terrifying. Some people don't think promises are important, and break them easily. Some people, like myself, keep them as much as possible. Though I have become relaxed with some of them, I have only let a few go because I realized how vain some of them were.

I think what scares me the most about being human and slowly learning about the condition of my soul is how readily eager I am to destroy everything. I think it's because I want people to feel guilty for hurting me instead of feeling guilty myself. It's just protection. I like to protect myself in any conceivable way possible. But it's a contradiction too.

While I want to hide and protect myself, I really want others to know what's going on inside. Pride is definitely the main factor, but so is fear. Fear is what keeps my pride going. Not many things make me afraid (except falling), but what I'm most afraid of is myself. It scares me to think what God and others think about me. I'd rather not know to be honest.

I'm not sure how I went from talking about promises to talking about my own issues, but sometimes confessing things is difficult. You can't change the world until you change yourself. And the only way you can change yourself is by letting things go. Though that's another blog post waiting to happen, I think this is my big problem right now. I don't want to let what's in my heart out. I know that God knows, but with people you can never know what's going to happen. Just pray for me.