cOnFLicTed

I would like to begin this post by stating that I have many problems, but I don't want to because it's cliche. However, to try to avoid stating it would be lying and untrue.

Let me explain somethings.

I love my family and friends. Very, very much. Though I would like to explain how much, I don't think I could. The closest example to how much I love these people in my life would be the way Jonathan loved David in the Bible. Perhaps that's how much I love them, though I don't know how much Jonathan did love David; the Bible states that Jonathan loved David as much as he loved his own soul, so I would think it's something like that. Anyways, this is the problem: though I love these people, I will try everything to avoid hurting them at times. Sometimes I resolve to being quiet, not hugging, placing emphasis on things that don't matter, escaping the truth, avoiding personal conversation, feigning smiles, pretending to be mysterious, and many other ways of escaping pain and hurt for their sakes. Sometimes I try to tell people about this problem personally; but usually I can't seem to.

Recently, or about a year ago, a friend of mine tried to tell me some important things. Though I did listen to him, I would resist trying to help or show serious concern. You see reader, there's a story behind this problem. Back when I started going to NGU (i.e. North Greenville University) I made many friends. I decided that I would share and be honest with these people. And I loved it. However, things began to get too serious, and eventually became worse. I became too close to some people, and, in that process, I got hurt and hurt them too.

Slowly I recovered. But soon after, I made a promise to myself, that I would never seek or try to become too close or personal with another human being again. I didn't care who it was. Though I became miserable in this, it worked for the most part. Then I became friends with others. Yet, I still tried my best to hold out, though at times it was extremely difficult.

For the majority of my life, I have usuallly sought solitude and achievement through myself. After my family moved to the south, I became very prideful and stubborn. I would treat people with contempt and begrudge them of their merits and accomplishments. I wanted to show my parents, my brothers, and the rest of the world that I was better. I had the rest of my life planned out and I didn't care about who or what was in the way.

Then I decided to seek truth. That was my "downfall."

After I became a Christian, things didn't seem the same anymore. Slowly, I didn't want to serve myself but God and others. Though I still struggle with pride and stubbornness, the Lord showed me new and better things. When I came to NGU I thought that it would be a turning leaf for me. But, like everything I try to master or understand completely, I failed.

Now I reeping what I created. But I'm hopeful.

Recently I've started to open up to people again. Why? Because I realized that it wasn't fair for me to hide from them. They care and love me too, even though I want to deny it or refuse it.

So, yeah, that's my conflict. And even though I'm getting better, it's still a struggle.

Peace out!

sO wHaT iF yOu CaN cOOk!?!

Yesterday I put my cooking skills to the test. Usually I cook basic meals: French toast, scrambled eggs, and most meals that come in a package. But yesterday I made something completely different.

Last week, my parents decided that their days of cooking every night were over. Since my brothers and I are old enough to take responsibility for some of the house chores, they decided that we should shoulder some of the dinner time burden. Which I think is fair. So, being creative and different as usual, I decided to cook something that we normally don't eat. Every week there's a guarantee that we'll have either hot dogs, pancakes, macaroni and cheese, steak and potatoes, hamburgers, or spagetti. Now, not that any of these meals are bad, they are made a lot. So I cooked Kung Pao Pork over Sesame Noodles. It was great!

Not only did I enjoy cooking, but also I gained some experience in learning to mix and use different ingredents for different effects on the food. Nobody complained about what I made either. It was great! I hope that by cooking more frequently I will be able to cook food for others and make people happy. Besides, I'd rather serve people than be served anyways.

TTYL!

WhAt'S gOiNg On??

Currently, I've been working my way through the Bible again. Though Scripture is perhaps my favorite book of all my books, I definitely find something new in it everytime. But the real reason why I am reading the Bible isn't for pleasure or to mark an achievement on my Books-To-Read List, I'm reading the Bible so I may memorize it and know it by heart.

During my time as an English major at NGU, many of my professors would remark about how some of us didn't have parts of Scriptures memorized. I don't believe they expected us to know Scripture word-for-word, but I do believe they expected us to have a general understanding of where certain events and sayings were in the Bible. Though I did know a good majority of the Bible, many times I would forget things, sometimes too easily.

Another reason why I want to memorize and know the Bible is due to the fact that I didn't always get to spend time reading it during school. Granted, I probably could have made time, but I didn't make much room for it. Now, I'm not necessarily using the vast amount of free time I have now to take advantage of the time I lost, but I'm certainly not going to let it slip past me again.

Yet, after studying literature and understanding language more than I did in high school, reading the Bible has been more fulfilling than it was back then. Being able to analytically think about the text, looking at its structural make-up, and actively engaging the text clearly are just some of the examples I have gained in my reading experience. Applying some of these techniques and skills to Scripture has definitely helped and improved my understanding and rendering of the Bible.

Though I'm certainly cautious about my reading and understanding of Scripture (I definitely can twist the meaning of it even more than I could before), I think reading it clearly and not focusing on specific parts of the Bible has helped my application of it to my life. As a writer and a poet, I can definitely testify that having an acute awareness of literary analysis and basic grammar does improve one's understanding and interpretation of the Bible, and can possibly help the reader avoid misinterpreting often. However, it's still good to consult theologians and pastors about parts of the Bible that may not seem clear.

~*~

Well, that's just one thing I've been up to lately. I've been attending a new church; well, new for me I should say. For the past two, or possibly three, months I've been going to NewSpring Church. Now, when I first visited the church I thought that it was just going to be another annoying and unbiblical megachurch. I was wrong. Though for a while I just made up fluff and flattery about the church, but in my mind I was thinking about what they were actually trying to do. I will admit, even my friends who went there would probably have thought I wasn't really interested in the church.

Granted, the pastor of NewSpring isn't always sound on his sermons or interpretations of Scripture (an example would be of his misinterpretation of Jesus' baptism and the believer's baptism. His claim was that it was the same. Obviously, this isn't true. Jesus' baptism was an ordination, the believer's baptism is symbolic of purification), but, overall, he does present the gospel the way it should be presented. But what really got me was the people at NewSpring. Not that they would greet and were always kind, but that they were generally genuine.

Now, I'm not saying that the other churches that I've visited were not genuine in their faith or practice, but what I'm saying is that for individuals who may not know theology as well as I do or biblical doctrine and study, but that they knew who they were without all that, though I'm sure there are some who there who know more or just about the same as I do concerning theology and biblical studies.

I'm not saying all this to offend necessarily, but the fact that this is what I saw amazed me. I don't know if I'm as "charismatic" as some of the people who go there are, but do like this church. It'll be interesting to see where God leads me in this and where I end up.

But that's it. Adieu.

wHaT's bEsT

Some things I want, and others I don't want. Now, I don't know if the things I want are the things I need; yet, when I consider where the Lord has been leading me, I think there's some considerable options in my life. However, I usually don't assume that any position I am placed in is ever permanent.

The only thing I know for sure is that I serve and love a God who is in control and guides me like the wind guides a sail boat; however, there's no rutter or wheel to guide this boat. Though, whenever I try to make a paddle and move the ship, it will eventually break because I can't decide the route I should take. In many ways I vision myself like the ark of Noah, minus the animals and all that. Noah had to build a boat that had no rutter, one door, and one window. Perhaps even seeing ahead is not something I should do.

The point is this, I have to trust and obey the Lord.

There are, though, some things I am sure of.

1. No matter what job I take on, where I end up, or position I will find myself in, the Lord will be my only Master. There's only one Man I want to follow. Only one God I want to serve.

2. Writing is my career.

3. Graduate school is somewhere on the horizon.

4. Teaching overseas is very possible.

5. Starting my own business is possible.

Yet, there are things I must avoid.

1. I cannot become comfortable. Temptation for me lies in staying in one place for too long. Even though it's quite easy for me to find new thrills and fascinations in a single place, I must not become complacent and believe that this is where I will stay.

2. I cannot pretend that I will someday accomplish something only to think about it and feel satisfied. Many times I like to postulate where or what I may do in the future, but sometimes my resolve isn't enough. I don't need to be a dreamer.

3. Even though I say that the Lord is my only Master, I must not allow my love for literature and knowledge to rule me. It's easy for me to become prideful, and often, partially because we live in an "illiterate" society, I'll look down on people because of their lack of knowledge in the humanities and arts.

4. I cannot set my hopes on my plans. My only hope should be geared towards Heaven and eternal things, not earthly.

So, there's just some of the things I know I want and don't want. Though there's probably more, these are just the main ones. God knows what's best for me in the end anyways.

dAy oNe

This blog is my "nonfiction" edition of my life. My other blog, Myron's Musings, is only in existence for my poetry. Since I wanted to have one for poetry and one for journalistic, this will allow me to separate the two. Hopefully, I'll achieve this.