cOnFLicTed

I would like to begin this post by stating that I have many problems, but I don't want to because it's cliche. However, to try to avoid stating it would be lying and untrue.

Let me explain somethings.

I love my family and friends. Very, very much. Though I would like to explain how much, I don't think I could. The closest example to how much I love these people in my life would be the way Jonathan loved David in the Bible. Perhaps that's how much I love them, though I don't know how much Jonathan did love David; the Bible states that Jonathan loved David as much as he loved his own soul, so I would think it's something like that. Anyways, this is the problem: though I love these people, I will try everything to avoid hurting them at times. Sometimes I resolve to being quiet, not hugging, placing emphasis on things that don't matter, escaping the truth, avoiding personal conversation, feigning smiles, pretending to be mysterious, and many other ways of escaping pain and hurt for their sakes. Sometimes I try to tell people about this problem personally; but usually I can't seem to.

Recently, or about a year ago, a friend of mine tried to tell me some important things. Though I did listen to him, I would resist trying to help or show serious concern. You see reader, there's a story behind this problem. Back when I started going to NGU (i.e. North Greenville University) I made many friends. I decided that I would share and be honest with these people. And I loved it. However, things began to get too serious, and eventually became worse. I became too close to some people, and, in that process, I got hurt and hurt them too.

Slowly I recovered. But soon after, I made a promise to myself, that I would never seek or try to become too close or personal with another human being again. I didn't care who it was. Though I became miserable in this, it worked for the most part. Then I became friends with others. Yet, I still tried my best to hold out, though at times it was extremely difficult.

For the majority of my life, I have usuallly sought solitude and achievement through myself. After my family moved to the south, I became very prideful and stubborn. I would treat people with contempt and begrudge them of their merits and accomplishments. I wanted to show my parents, my brothers, and the rest of the world that I was better. I had the rest of my life planned out and I didn't care about who or what was in the way.

Then I decided to seek truth. That was my "downfall."

After I became a Christian, things didn't seem the same anymore. Slowly, I didn't want to serve myself but God and others. Though I still struggle with pride and stubbornness, the Lord showed me new and better things. When I came to NGU I thought that it would be a turning leaf for me. But, like everything I try to master or understand completely, I failed.

Now I reeping what I created. But I'm hopeful.

Recently I've started to open up to people again. Why? Because I realized that it wasn't fair for me to hide from them. They care and love me too, even though I want to deny it or refuse it.

So, yeah, that's my conflict. And even though I'm getting better, it's still a struggle.

Peace out!