changes

So, before I begin, I decided to change the blog's name. I felt since my life just seems like a mess most of the time, why not have a blog that reflects that. I mean, I really do feel like a mess. But, I serve a God who is bigger than my problems. By His grace do I realize that my life is in His hands. I'm definitely His "Gomer" at times.

Well, to be brief, life has been good since I've been living in Korea. I'm 24 now (my birthday was on October 4), so I feel like now's a time to look back on some things.

First

Being 23 was a blessing and a curse.

It was a blessing because I learned a lot; however, it was a curse because I went through one of my darkest moments. I had so many issues that kept coming back. It was terrible!

I was baptized!

Yes, even though I don't care whether someone is sprinkled or immersed, I was baptized on January 25 this year. It was an awesome experience! I also joined my church, NewSpring, which was an amazing thing! It's funny though, initially when I went to NewSpring I didn't think I would really want to go there, growing up Presbyterian and all that. But, denominations don't matter as much to me as long as they are biblical and are Christ-centered. Also, I got to serve on the Fuse Parking Team, which was an amazing experience for me!

Second

I came to Korea.

This decision was probably one of the biggest steps I've had to take in my life. Honestly, it was a risk. I had a job where I was secure and safe, and I gave that up for something I wasn't really sure about. True, my job here isn't perfect, but what job really is? I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to teach English and live in another country! Not many people can do that or are willing to do that these days.

Lately, I've been busy learning Korean and spending time in the Word. Most of the time, I usually read my Bible on the bus, train, or at work. But I've been trying to sit an memorize parts of it. My goal in reading Scripture is to memorize it so I can witness and serve the Lord more effectively. Learning Korean has been fun too! I'm starting to get to a point where I think I might need to take classes, but I'm not sure yet. If I did take classes I would have to take them on Saturday mornings. But, it's a consideration right now.

I'm still writing poetry. Yes, even in the midst of an environment where English isn't spoken, my poetry seems to still linger in my thoughts. The hard part is remembering to write it down!

So, yeah, that's my brief update for now. See you!

Peace!

dilemmas and challenges

So, this week has definitely been challenging to me in many ways. For one, I've had to step it up as a teacher. I don't think I really understood how difficult teaching really was until now. Just the little things can hurt or upset students. Not only that, but also I've had to get more difficult with my students. They will take any advantage they can from you. They'll even beg you at times not to do something. Being a compassionate guy, it's difficult. I want to sit by them and encourage them to do well and that anything is possible. But the reality is that most of them don't want to learn this stuff and so compassion isn't what they need. I guess it's true in the spiritual life too. Sometimes we want God to be compassionate with us, to love us and give us the attention we feel we deserve. But sometimes, that's not what we really need. Sometimes we just need things to be hard and tiresome. We have to grow.

Second, I've had to learn about responsibility. I'm not only a teacher here, but an IWE leader. Since I've been placed to help lead the Welcome team and give some direction to them, I've realized that I have to watch myself and how I present myself to others. I need to be ready to lead and be Christ-like to any one who walks or wanders into our doors. In a way, and I'm not trying to boast, my job at church is one of the most important jobs when it comes to volunteering. I'm basically acting as IWE's face when new people come. Not only do I send out the emails, but also I've been calling the people who have been attending two or more times just to say "hey." But I'm starting to find out that by calling people and talking to them I'm making some kind of impact on them. Honestly, I don't know exactly what I do to them, but whatever it is it's the Holy Spirit at work in it. It's definitely a blessing for me and such a awesome thing to see God work in other people's lives.

Third, I'm starting to find out that I'm becoming closer to my family back home. I guess when you're away for some time even the people you normally don't talk to start to miss you. I can't tell how long I've spent on the phone with my brothers. They are definitely interested in what I'm doing over here. I've also spent several hours talking to my grandma and my parents back home. My grandma told me if anything bad happens to me here, she'll buy my airplane ticket so I can come home. It kinda makes me giggle, but I know she means it and I'm thankful that she cares. I just wish I could be at my grandma's house right now so she isn't so lonely.

Being here has definitely changed my perspective on things. You don't want to take any opportunity for making friends here for granted. You never know when you'll need people to help you. Already the John family (the Pakistani family I spend my weekends with) seems to have taken me under their wing. I'm really blessed and honored to know them and spend time with them. They're such a wonderful family! This winter they've invited me to go to Pakistan with them for a family wedding. I'm not sure if I want to go yet because I kind of want to go to Japan, but it's definitely something I'm considering. It would be wonderful to see Pakistan though. I can tell you that Pakistani food is amazing! I asked them if there would be any problems with me going since I'm an American, but they told me that since I don't act like an American or walk like an American it wouldn't be too difficult to hide the fact that I am one; I would just have to wear Pakistani traditional clothing. It sounds fun, but I do want to go to Japan. We'll see. :P

It's already starting to cool down here. I think it was 27 degrees outside last time I checked (that's Celsius for you). This weekend I'm visiting my friend Jin in Seoul. This guy has really been a good friend to me. I met him at a time when I was really looking for some Korean friends, so his friendship means a lot to me. I really want to improve my Korean just so he doesn't have to speak so much English (English is really tough for Koreans to speak). I don't know what we'll do, but I know it will be fun.

So, yeah, that's just some of the things that I've been going through and thinking about lately. Perhaps my blog is becoming a little too personal, but I just really want to share what's going here with me as much as possible for you guys back home. I know you can't be here with me, but maybe offering some glimpses into my Korean life here will be a blessing to you. I know you guys are praying for me and I am humbly honored. I love you all very much!

Peace.

Getting Hugged by a Drunk Korean

Yes, it's true. I was hugged randomly by a drunk guy on the street this evening. It was weird, but it was OK. Although, getting more attention by other Koreans isn't what I like to get if I can. But, I'm a Caucasian guy living around a bunch of Asians. What else should I expect?

Anyways, I've been having an interesting time here. My job is becoming more complicated than I expected. I definitely have to watch what I say and do around my students. Apparently they tell their parents EVERYTHING! So, even if I tell one of my students that he's crazy, he'll tell his parents and the parents tell my boss. Calling a person crazy in Korea isn't considered a good thing. Sometimes I enjoy work, but other times I don't. I usually enjoy work when I can actually get my students to study. Slowly, I've been able to get some of my students to actually study. Some of the students actually prefer to have me because I make learning a little more fun for them evidently. But the middle school students, on the other hand, just want me to talk all the time. They just don't want to study. Also, the middle schoolers try to always study for their vocabulary test in class. Usually, if I catch them, it's -3 points from their test. They definitely complain about it.

At church, I've been busy helping out with the Welcome team. It's not a bad way to serve actually. But apparently, it's one of the most important jobs behind the witnessing and preaching of the Word. Because there are so many foreigners that come and go at church, Meeting with them and connecting with them is a big task. For one, it's tough trying to meet new people during fellowship when all your friends want to talk to you. I've been trying to meet as many new people as possible because it's important that they know who's sending them these emails with the name "Myron Brown" attached to the closing. It's just good to have a name with a face. This past Sunday, I gave the invocation in the morning service and sang on the stage with the VBS kids for the afternoon service. If you want to see me, just go to www.myiwe.com. It's pretty easy. The Scripture reading is from Gen. 3:1-13.

My free time is usually limited to only one day: Saturday. This past Saturday I met up with this guy I met on the subway a couple weeks ago. His name is Jin Hyeok. He's a pretty cool guy. I had to wait for him, so spent lots of time in some bookstores and coffeeshops in downtown Seoul. Apparently, he's a grad student at Seoul National University (the Harvard of Korea) studying chemical engineering; but, as a part time job he teaches Japanese at a language academy. We had a good time. We went to this restaurant and had samgibsan (it's a Korean barbeque, but you actually get to cook your food how you like) and drank soju (Korean beer). He's a Catholic Christian, but he's a true believer, which is good. We talked a lot. He asked me if I would help him improve his English. Evidently, when he was in high school his major was English. He was preparing to go to the US to go to undergrad school, but it was too expensive. So, he went to Japan, learned the language in a year, and got his bachelor's there. He also told me that after he gets his masters he wants to work for a research institute in Korea. Apparently, he hasn't served his required military service yet, so if he can get into a national research institute he can bypass the system. It kinda sucks I guess for Korean guys; apparently, all Korean men have to serve in the military for at least two years. Anyways, after that, we went to Insadong and had traditional Korean tea. It was amazing! Not only was it traditional tea, but also the mugs were handmade! It was just awesome!

So, I had a good time Saturday night. I was able to have fellowship with a brother in the faith, and practice my Korean which is getting better and better. I don't think I've explained this very well, but making friends here in a foreign country has been a major goal for me. While lately I've had an easy time making foreigner friends, it's been tough making Korean friends. I feel bad sometimes when I spend time with Koreans because they have to speak in English around me. Just for the record, English is difficult for Asians to speak. Not only is it a foreign language and an unrelated one too, but also it's spoken in a different area of the mouth so muscles that normally don't work in that area have to. It gets tiring for them. It's like trying to run when your body isn't used to it.

God has definitely challenged me here. Not only have I left my comfort zone, but also I've been placed in a leadership role as a teacher and as the Welcome team leader. It's tough, and some times it's overwhelming, but it has been good for me. Since I've been here I've had to make many adjustments and changes to the way I like to live. I'm still the calm, quiet, laid-back, bookish kind of guy I was in the States, but I've had to become a leader and quick thinker too. I'm not sure what plan God has made for me, but I have to trust Him daily. Please continue to pray for me. Also, pray for my family. I found out last week that three days after I left for Korea my dad lost his job. They didn't tell me because they didn't want me to worry about it, but it's tough for me knowing now. I feel like I should send more money home to help my parents out. I know that it's in God's hands and that He's the one who will provide for them, but I feel obligated to as their son to help my family. I don't know how many of you understand these kinds of feelings since it's not a normal one in our culture, but I've always had a feeling for supporting my family since I was a child. It's weird, but it's true.

Anyways, I'll keep praying for you guys out there.

Peace.

An UPdate

My life here has started to settle down. And, that's what has been bothering. I don't want to go back to being comfortable again. I saw what it did for me in the US and I don't want that here. The nice thing about last month was that I had to depend on God for the next step. Even now I'm still having to depend on him. The only problem is that I'm starting to remember that things are going to be OK. Not good.

Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. I know that in the past I've been noted for being an over achiever when it comes to doing things for the first time. Basically, my instincts from being the oldest child kick in and tell me, "You don't know what you're doing, so work your butt off and make everyone happy and pleased with you so you don't get in trouble." Sometimes it's a good thing, but other times it isn't.

My biggest problem here is being stubborn and prideful. Not trying to accept people's help and trying to do things on my own. It's not physically possible for me to live with that mind set. Not only is it a spiritual issue, but also being a foreigner doesn't allow me to operate under those beliefs as easily as I would like them to. I need other people to help me. I can't speak the language yet and I don't understand how to get around fully either.

Slowly, this is evaporating from me. But it's still evident.

I've started learning the language. I can read the alphabet. It's pretty easy. Actually, Korean is a little more advanced I think than Chinese and Japanese, especially when it comes to writing. I mean the alphabet has these constanants: ㄱ,ㄴ,ㄷ,ㄹ,ㅁ,ㅂ,ㅅ,ㅇ,ㅋ,ㅌ,ㅊ,ㅈ,ㅎ,ㅍ, and these vowels: ㅓ,ㅕ,ㅏ,ㅑ,ㅗ,ㅛ,ㅜ,ㅠ,ㅡ,ㅣ. So, I can write words like 영, 한, 서 울, 인천, 가삼함니 다, 우 유, 용현동, 동 인 천, 아이, 이, 미 국, 한 국 and a few others. So, it's getting better. It's just taking time.

Anyways, I would spend more time writing, but my time here at the PC 박 is almost up.

Peace.

The Life of a Foreigner

I've been in Korea for about a month now. I can say that I've enjoyed every part of it. God has really changed me and my outlook on things.

First, I'll say this, my writing hasn't changed yet. Since I can't exactly use the people around me as characters or subjects in my writing, I've turned to writing about the Introvert inside me. Besides, you should only write about the things you know, right?

Anyways, my poetry seems to be more about longing and poetry. Not being in my native land and surrounded by native tongue 24/7 has impacted me in some way. But there's something unique about it. First of all, I haven't experienced cultural shock. My worst culture shock experience was when I moved to South Carolina from Upstate New York. Moving from a European/Agricultural-centric culture to this Southern American culture is tough for a nine year old. But moving from America to Korea hasn't been that bad. Actually it has changed my perspective on words.

I realized that the words here are different from the words at home. I don't mean it in the sense that English is different from Korean, that's obvious. What I mean is that every place has something to say. The things here say something different. It's a love-hate relationship I think. I mean that everything has a name, and everything has a creator that named it. Even the universe itself was created by words from the Word. But here, it's as if something is struggling for air.

Second, the city life is a bit difficult for me. Growing up in the mountains around woods and rivers to a huge urban area is very difficult. Just to give you an idea about how BIG this place is, take the Upstate of South Carolina and make every part of it a city. Not even Incheon, Seoul, and Gyeonggi-do are separated by trees or some clear point of separation like it is in the US. It's all just ONE giant city! So, any time I get close to some piece of field or wood I get very excited. My feet just want to feel fresh soil between their toes again!

Third, I'm thankful that I'm a foreigner who can speak English. If I spoke French, Spanish, Italian, or any other language I wouldn't be able to communicate at all with the Koreans or other foreigners. I can't tell you how this feels because it's so new to me.

Finally, I find myself depending on God more and more. It's not even an option most of the time. At church, I'm now getting involved in various ways. Last week I was asked by one of the pastors if I would lead the welcome team. He said what IWE (International Worship in English) needs is more foreigners on the team. Right now, every one on the team is Korean. So, I decided to do it. Basically, not only do I have to send out emails to the newcomers, but also I have to lead the greeters, meet the new people who come, and just do some follow up work. It doesn't sound like much, but I'm taking it very seriously. Not only is this a very important job, but also it's something God has given me the responsibility of doing for His church.

So, yeah, that's about the big extent of it. In addition to studying Scripture, teaching English, writing poetry, and serving at church, I've been trying to learn Korean. It's actually easy to learn the Korean alphabet, but once you get past that part it's just learning grammar and vocabulary. That will be the hard part.

I've been praying for you guys. I know that you're praying for me. God has blessed me here in Korea. Though I don't know what God has planned for me here, I think this is definitely where I need to be.

Peace.

FrUstrAtionS

Lately, I've been re-reading the Old Testament, particularly the first five books of the OT known as the Pentateuch. Anyways, I was reading the about the Passover and what God wanted the Israelites to do. Basically, the Pharoah wouldn't let the Israelites go. This was mainly because God hardened Pharoah's heart, but it was also because God to use the Pharoah for bringing glory to Himself.

Anyways, in order for the Israelites to be saved from this final plague, they had to take a lamb and let it live with them for 2 weeks. At the end of the 2 weeks they had to slaughter it. Hold on, they had to kill it! That had to be difficult. That's like taking your pet or an animal and letting it live with you for two weeks and then killing it. Just imagine for a moment.

Let's say it a dog. You adopt this dog. You nuture it, feed it, take care of it, but more importantly you love it. Now, after two weeks you're told to kill it and then eat it in haste. You don't even have time to think or mourn about it. You just have to do it.

In some ways, I feel like I've sacrificed something in the past couple of months. I feel like I've sacrificed my American life for another one. No matter how hard I try not to think about it I'm a foreigner here. I didn't have a lot of time to think about leaving when it came down to it, it was either you want the job or not.

I'll admit there are times at night where I can't sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I feel homesick. So far, I haven't felt homesickness yet, but I've definitely feel as if things aren't the same for me.

Last Sunday, one of the pastors at church asked me if I was willing to lead the Welcome Team at IWE (International Worship in English). He told me that right now the only people on it are Koreans, but they want to have more foreigners on the team. He said that I would have to meet people, send out emails to newcomers, probably call people, and do some other stuff. I told him that I would pray about it and see if this is what God wants me to do. Already I'm involved in VBS with the kids as a game leader, and I help check the spelling and format of the bulletin and songs that are posted on the screen for worship on Sunday mornings, so I don't know if taking on another responsibility is a good thing for me. It means that I would have to devote my weekday mornings to sending out emails and calling people. I just need some prayer about it.

Also, work has become more difficult. Though the work isn't that hard, the social dynamics are becoming frustrating. When something goes wrong, they think that I did something. It's really annoying. Sometimes, they ask me why I haven't been doing something, when I just reply, "Because nobody told me that I was supposed to do it." It really makes me feel incompetenent at my job. Lately, I've been going up to the roof at work or locking myself in a bathroom stall and just pray to God about it. I just get so frustrated about these things! I've even found myself judging them unfairly about it. And that's not something I should do.

I really just want to be around church and the people I've met so far. However, everybody that I enjoy spending time with lives in Seoul, which is about 1 hour and 30 minutes away by bus and train. Though they only live 30 miles away, it just takes so long to get to them because of the way the cities of Incheon, Seoul, Bucheon are layed out. But, I know that God has something for me here in Incheon, even though there aren't many Koreans who speak English and foreigners around here to keep me company.

Though this update is pretty brief, I'll try to update it more often. My blogging skills aren't that great, so I hope you can bear with the awkward transitions.

Peace.

QuiCk UpDatE

So, I've got a few minutes left on the internet; here's a quick update.

Yesterday I got paid! I can't describe how good it feels to know I have some money now! I'm so sick and tired of relying on my bank account at home and never knowing if it's going to work or not. It just feels good!

Also, I got a cell phone yesterday. It's actually nicer than my US cell phone, and it's got a lot of cool things on it too. I only have to pay $50 a month for talking minutes, text messages, internet access, and a few other things too. It's pretty nice. It also came with a Korean-English dictionary and a map of the subway systems in Korea. So, I think it's a good deal.

This week has been nice. I just decorated my room to make it feel a little more comfortable. It's kind of a strange room. I have a Western-style bed, with an Asian-style table and appliances. It's definitely unique. I've been studying Korean the past couple of weeks. I'm just about able to read in Korean, but my vocabulary is poor. I'm considering taking some Korean classes this fall at a local university. But I don't know yet.

Well, church is this weekend, so I'm excited. I'll update again when I have some more time.

Peace.

growing pain

Well, the past couple of weeks have definitely been trying on me. However, things have been looking up. This past weekend I spent Saturday and Sunday night at my friend Gulraiz John's house with his family. It was cool. I learned a lot about his country, Pakastan, and his culture. It was just really awesome to get to know people from another country, especially when they are brethen in Christ.

Sunday was really cool! I spent most of my day at church (I've spent lots of Sundays at church since I've been here), and met more people. The message was really convicting, and made me think about how things have been for me since I've came to Korea. God has really shown me things in my life that I'm ashamed of, things that I didn't know I could do, things I didn't even know I was capable of doing. One thing He has definitely showed me is how to just trust Him and not to rely on myself. This has been the most difficult thing to do. I always want to be in control. However, since I've been here, I haven't been in control of anything. So trusting Him is a must. I really have no choice.

Sunday night, I met this guy named Tom (it's his English name, lots of Koreans have English names because their Korean names are hard to pronounce) and his wife. Apparently, the company he works for told him last week that he has to go to Europe in September. His problem is that his English isn't very good. So, he asked me if I would teach him English in a month and a half. I freaked! I thought that there would be no way I could do this! Not only that, but also he was willing to pay me anywhere between $50 and $90 an hour. I was flattered and nervous. Not only would this guy pay me, but also he wanted an intensive course. Well, I wasn't sure what to do. The first thing I did was pray. Then I reduced the amount because he is a believer to $30 an hour. So, I took the job. Even though it's illegal to teach private English lessons in Korea without notifying the government, lots of Koreans and English speaking foreigners do it apparently. So, I teach him on Wednesday nights and Saturday afternoons. It's hard. Last night after work, I came to his apartment (which is the largest home I've been in since I've been living in Korea) and helped him for an hour. It was hard, but I believe God will provide and give me the necessary tools and knowledge to help him.

On Tuesday, there were some problems. I thought I was going to lose my job. Evidently, because Immigration took my passport in order to register me, my boss was given a receipt. Well, I was told that I was the one who should have the receipt just in case a cop or someone asks for my passport I can show them the proof. Well, I asked him several times on Monday about it. Well, evidently, in Korea if you ask too many questions people think you don't trust them. That's exactly what my boss thought. When he sat me down with the head teacher he told me that he knew that other hagwons treat their foreign employees miserably (partly because foreign teachers will sometimes leave in the middle of their contract, so many hagwon principals will hold your passport from you), but he didn't want to be like them. It took me a while to figure out what he meant, but then when I explained what I was thinking and that I did trust him, he soon figured out that there was just a misunderstanding due to cultural differences. I just wanted to know if I really needed my passport receipt and nothing more. But it scared the crap out of me big time!

So, yeah, this week has been weird and strange. But, I wouldn't change it for anything less or more. God has blessed me so much! I just feel unworthy to receive His blessings or faithfulness because I lack so often. Because Korea, and Asia in general, is a communal based society, people trust each other heavily and share food, their homes, and goods liberally. The fact that men in Korea will walk down the street holding each others hands and no one thinks about it because it isn't gay is definitely a testament to how people care for one another. I just wished I could be more loving like that sometimes.

Peace.

A Typical Day at Work

Well, "typical" is quite an understatement. Everyday at work is different, and you never know exactly what's going to happen, who you'll switch with, what kids you'll get, etc. Working in a hagwon is strange, exciting, and weird at times.

Usually though, everyday I show up to work around 2:30 pm. I usually just sit around and talk to kids, coworkers, or just read a book until something happens. Around 3:10 pm my first class starts. My first class is usually kids who know little to some English. Most of the time, they can't carry a sentence or say a few words correctly. My job, is to just expose them and get them to start speaking English. However, it's freaking hard! You would think that these kids would be some stereotypical, obedient Asian kids who listen intently to their teachers words, but no. Most of the time, they're talking, hitting each other, throwing things at one another, and the only way to get their attention is to either not talk or make threats. Although I'm a little sensitive to do it, I've been told that I'm allowed to whack them on the head or yell at them in their faces. However, I just don't feel up to it yet.

After my first class, I start getting students who are still beginnners, but know more English. Their English level is at least around the level of speaking phrases and some words, but sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get them to talk. Some of them just stare at you or talk to their friends. But usually it's not too bad.

Around 4 or 5pm I usually eat dinner. This is usually a ramen meal. Sometimes I'll eat some take out, but I'm too poor to afford take out often. My dinners are usually around an hour or more. Most of the time I just go and talk to kids.

After dinner, the middle schoolers show up. These kids usually can speak English in sentences or broken phrases. Some of them should be in the elementary level, but parents get really pissed if their kids are considered dumb. These kids are usually a little more fun to pull pranks on since they can understand you more, but they sometimes just stare at you too.

Around 9 or 10 pm, I'm usually finished for the day. It's not too hard of a job, just a tiring from dealing with kids. But, I love it!

Speaking of staring, this is probably the most difficult thing to experience as a foreigner. Even though I'm from another country, I'm also another race. So, usually everywhere I go Koreans will stare at me, especially around here since foreigners aren't as common. For example, yesterday I was at a McDonald's and this kid kept staring at me the entire time I was there. If I looked at him he would just look away, but I knew he was watching me. I guess it just really makes me realize how much I need to watch what I wear, say, and do. Not only because I'm different here, but more importantly because I'm a follower of Christ. If I want anyone to remember me here I want them to remember Christ in me. Even if I leave this place with nothing else, just leaving knowing that would make me thrilled.

God is VERY, VERY GOOD!

So, yeah, earlier this morning I was very distressed. I basically broke down. I couldn't handle it anymore.

I had planned on going to church, washing my face, and acting like everything was OK. Maybe mention that I was having some financial problems, but for the most part, leave afterwards. But as I was sitting in the hobby praying and trying to hold back any signs of weakness, I gave in.

I told them my problem. Honestly, I wasn't planning on expecting much, just some advice. However, I got lots of help. God was merciful to me. I just don't know how to explain it. They gave me some food, gimbap. It's like some version of sushi. It isn't bad, but it was filling.

During the service, I just kept praying that God would deliever me from this mess. I'm so tired of being in these types of situations. When it came time for the offering I prayed that God would take what was his from me. I only had about 5,000 won on me. I gave it all. I wasn't sure if I could make it. I had NO money. Yeah, I had debit cards and some spare change, but it wouldn't be enough to make it. I just prayed that God would provide. And that was it. After I gave it, I just had this immense feeling of peace come over me.

I don't really know how to explain this, but I was humbled.

After the service, which I really needed, I went with the pastor to a US military base. We took his motorcycle, but had to park outside the base. I wasn't sure what I was expecting. Evidently, all the ATMs on the base act like ATMs in the US. So, if you make a withdraw, it's as if you're withdrawing money in the US. It was pretty sweet. I took about 100,000 won. Then we went to some cafeteria that serves pretty much anything you can get in the US, including my favorite soft drink: Dr. Pepper (they don't serve it in Korea... very sad). I got some Taco Bell, and we talk about some stuff. I told him a bit about my situation. What was awesome though, was that he has been preaching about 1 Cor chapters 3 and 4 since I've been here. What providence God has!

Ever since I've been in Korea, I've been asking God, "why am I really here?" I know it's to teach English, to gain experience as a teacher and a student, but why?

I realized something about myself today: I'm full of pride. It was pride that kept me from calling people here for help. It was pride that kept me walking towards Incheon alone. It was pride all the time. Pride in my life. I just keep thinking about myself. I don't really consider God, not in the full sense. I'm always on the look out for me. I just never took the time to realize it. I just kept believing that pride was an issue that other people I knew struggled with, and that my struggles were more intimate, more personal, and that no one would really understand. I was just different. WRONG!

I stayed at church for the 3 pm service. It was during the song "Jesus Messiah" that I just began to break apart completely. I was overwhelmed my God's grace and presence in my life and in the world around me. He truly is Lord of all!

Now, I'm off to bed.

Peace.

LiFe CAn SUCK... but God is always good.

So, here I am in Myeongdong waiting for church to start. It's about 6:30 am. I've been in Seoul since 4 pm yesterday.

Around 1p yesterday, I decided I wanted to visit Itaewon in Seoul. It's a city/suburb of Seoul where lots of foreigners hang out. It was kinda cool. I met a Korean. His name is Jin Hyeok. He helped me find my way through the maze of subway lines to Itaewon. The thing about the subways and train lines in the Seoul-Incheon-Suwon area is that they zig-zag all over the place and it takes longer to get from point A to point B. For example, Incheon is only 25 miles away from Seoul, but it takes a little over an hour to get from Incheon to Seoul by bus, train, and car. So, it sucks.

When I got to Itaewon I wasn't really impressed. Evidently, lots of foreigners were there too hanging out too, but they were all kind of rude. Plus, the Koreans knew more English, so they would try to sell you things which was really annoying. So, I left.

When I got to Yongsan, it was about 6pm. So, I decided to watch Harry Potter 6. Yes, I'm a Harry Potter fan, so you can go eat it. But, because it was in IMAX and it was 3D, I had to wait until 9 pm to see it. The only problem was that the train system would be closed for the night by the time the movie was over. So I thought, "why not? I need a little night time adventure. It will be fun!" At least, I thought it would be.

Well, right before the movie started, I decided to get some popcorn and a drink. It wasn't bad until they told me my card wasn't working. "OK," I thought, "I'll just use some cash. Maybe it's just their system." So, after the movie was over, I left Yongsan Station, which is also a mall and movie theatre, and went outside. I thought I would just find some place to stay around Yongsan. Well, I would have except when I started looking around on the streets, I kept noticing these half naked girls hanging out in these windows, and men walking up and paying them some money. Then some woman came up and asked me if I wanted sex with some sexy woman. I definitely turned her down. Although, I was really tempted. I won't go into detail of what I thought, but I knew I would destroy my body, God's temple, and hurt me greatly. I just didn't want it. It took a lot to not think about it.

When I got away from that mess, I found an ATM. I tried using my card, but it wouldn't take. So, I tried calling my parents. Even though it was 1 am, I knew it would be about 12 pm on Saturday. However, my phone service was canceled or something weird like that. "Great," I thought, "this night is going to get really interesting."

So, I started walking home. Or, at least, I tried.

I got about 1/4 of the way home when I realized that I would never make it. That my best bet would be to go to church and see if anyone there could help me out. As much as I wanted to get home, I needed some help. But more importantly, I needed God's help... desperately. I don't know how I can explain this, but I'm so broken right now. I've been trying all night long to be positive and pray and think of other things. But, I don't think I can any more. I don't know why I'm really here. I know God called me here to teach, but for what?! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET FROM THIS! I'm so pissed right now! I want to go home! Back to the US! Back to my life! I was comfortable there! I was fine!

WHY AM I REALLY HERE?!

I'm so tired and sore right now. I'm about to cry. I won't, but I can't speak the freakin language, I don't know many people around here, and I'm desperate. I'll be another 3 hours before church starts. It's the traditional service, but I don't care. I need God. I need His help! Honestly, I feel alone. For the first time since I've been here I actually feel alone.

Please pray for me. I can only trust God right now. I know that no matter what happens He will be good to me.

ChUrCh, WoRk, & ChiNaTOWn

So, I haven't updated this thing for quite some time. A lot has happened this week, so I'll try to tell what's happened as best as I can.

Where to begin?

Sunday

Well, this past Sunday was awesome! I woke up around 7 am to get to Seoul as soon as I could. However, the bus system is a little confusing around YeoungHyunDong, so it took about 15 mins to get it right. I wanted to check out this church called Youngnak Presbyterian Church. Evidently, Presbyterian churches tend to be more biblical based in Korea than most other churches, and they usually have English services that are better too. So, I had it all planned out how I was going to get there: take bus 16 to Dongincheon Station, take the train from Dongincheon Station to Yongsan Station, switch over to the subway to Seoul Station, transfer over to the blue line and get off at Myeongdong, and find this church. The only thing was I ended up waiting longer for things to go than I anticipated. I got to the church at 10:45 am, and the service started at 10 am. At least I found the church I thought. I'll just go to the 1500 service (by the way, after 1200 pm, all the times in Korea become military times. Yeah, everthing here is in Celsius, meters, and military time. It's weird, but cool) So, I decided to walk around Seoul a bit.

While I was walking around Seoul, I had this awful craving for Western food. Now, Korean food is really good, and you can get lots of Korean food for under $5 here, but after eating bulgogi, kimchi, rice, dried fish, and a bunch of other stuff your body really starts craving something familiar. So, I found a Pizza Hut that looked pretty good.

After I left Pizza Hut, I found some bookstores. The only thing is that there aren't many that sell English books. So, I gave up right around 1430 pm. When I got to the church, I found out that it's an actual ministry called International Worship in English, or IWE. It was awesome! It felt so good to worship Jesus! I can't really describe how I felt, but it was an amazing release. After all the stuff I was going through: moving to a foreign country, struggling to find a way to explain my faith to some Church of God cult, and just trying to figure things out in general, it was something.

Well, the preaching was awesome too, because it touched on something I'll need to remember while I'm here in Korea; it was 1 Corinthians 3:10-17. The verse that really hit me was 1 Cor. 3: 17, which states, "[i]f anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple." That last part was convicting. It just reminded me about all the crap I've been going through the past couple of months, but it was like God was telling me that now I have a choice to make: either I will serve him wholly, or I will live as one in the world.

Coming here is refreshing. I don't know anybody. I can't speak the language or understand it. I'm almost vunerable to anything. But through everything God has been faithful to me. Now, it's my turn to be faithful to him.

After the service, I went to some info class about IWE. Evidently, it's a ministry that exists to plug foreigners into the ministry for different things like student ministry, children's ministry, helping out at orphanages, feeding the homeless, etc. It was pretty cool. Afterwards, I made a bunch of friends there. We went to see Transformers 2 at an IMAX theater. Apparently, you have to reserve tickets here about a week in advance because most movie theaters get packed out pretty quickly. But, God had other plans when I thought and figured that I couldn't go. Cause I did. And, though the movie was OK, it was great to meet other English speaking people.

On Monday, I went to work. It was interesting. I taught about 7 classes on my first day. Needless to say, I was tired. Tuesday thru Thursday weren't too bad, I taught about 3 to 4 classes on those days. Friday was just about as busy as Monday. The only thing that made it difficult was that everything is completely unorganized. You don't know what your schedule is going to look like each day, nor do you know what your going to teach. But, I realized how underdeveloped the field of teaching second language is. The books were awful. It didn't make any sense the way the texts were organized. Some of them were too difficult for the age group, and others were too easy. So I improvised in some cases. Fortunately, my English background helped out a bit. But, most of the theory was useless, as most theory tends to be.

Other than working and going to church, I visited Chinatown today. It's located in the city I live in. It's a pretty cool place. There's tons of lanterns and restaurants to visit. I went to Jayu Park, which is a park dedicated to the Americans and Koreans who died in the Korean war. It's a pretty cool place to sit, relax, and look at the Yellow Sea. On clear days I heard you can see China, but I haven't been there on one.

So, that's the abridged version of what's been going on. I don't always get to write in my blog because it costs money at these PC bongs (Internet cafes). It's cheap, but I only have an hour to do stuff.

So, yeah, that's about it.

Peace.

SeOuL AdVenTuRe & nOt HaVinG MoNEy

So, I know I haven’t blogged for a while. Here’s the scoop.

On Wednesday, I visited one of my friends Pam. She’s the woman who recruited me. Anyways, I gave her a call on a payphone. It wasn’t too bad, except I kept running out of money. We decided to meet each other at Yeongsan. However, I had no idea how to get there. So, I took a taxi to Dongincheon Station. From Dongincheon, I took the train which cost about 1,500 won, or $1.50. It was about 45 mins to Yeongsan, which is in Seoul. Prior to this, I have never been to Seoul. When I got there I don’t think I’ve ever seen that many people running around to transfer. It was crazy! I ended up waiting for her for about another 45 mins. When we finally met up she seemed a little pissed because I didn’t call her even though I followed her directions to meet her at the platform. Evidently, there was a miscommunication between us.

Anyways, we decided to go back to her place for some food. It was about 8pm. So, we took a train to Seoul Station, got off and took a bus to Goyang City which is about 45 mins. north of Seoul and 30 mins south of the DMZ. When we arrived in Seoul, I was overwhelmed! The city is HUGE! It’s even bigger than New York City! And cleaner too! Compared to Incheon it is cleaner.

Evidently, Incheon is an underdeveloped city that is going through remodeling. And I live in one of the more underdeveloped parts called YeoungHyun5Dong, or to pronounce it, “Young-Hewn-Oh-Dong” in English.

Well, back to my story; I was really taken away by it. Not to mention that from Seoul to Incheon it’s all city as well.

Apparently, the Seoul Metropolitan Area is the second largest in the world. The fact that it takes 2 hours by train to get from one end to the other should testify to that too.

Anyways, we got to Goyang City about 9 pm; met up with some friends of hers that were some what drunk.

If there’s one thing everyone should know about Koreans is that they drink like the Irish. Ironically, Korea and Ireland are both divided countries, even though that’s not really relevant to that fact, but it’s interesting to note.

Well, both of her friends wanted me to drink. So I had some beer and soh-ju (spelling?). But, they kept trying to get me to drink. However, even though they were drunk, I wasn’t. Apparently, I can hold my alcohol better than I thought I could.

So, about 12 am, I decided that I needed to head back to Incheon. Well, that was my plan, until they told me that the trains stop running at midnight. So, I was stranded in some city about 2 hours by bus and train from my home. I wasn’t thrilled needless to say. However, Pam let me stay at her place until her boss’ son came back at 5 am. Which was cool with me. So, we went up to the roof of her apartment building and drank some more and talked. Then I went to bed sometime around 1 am. When I woke up at 5 am, she took me to the bus stop and told me what bus to take. When I got back to my apartment it was about 8 am.

When I woke up at 11 am, some people that I met came by and wanted to take me to there church. Now, for the past couple of days I thought that this church was a Christian church. Well, it is, but not really. They believe in something called God the Mother. It’s really weird. The hard thing is trying to tell them that I don’t believe in that stuff. But, they don’t like it when I try to tell them my thoughts or try to explain what I believe. They just treat me like I don’t know the Bible and that any faith I have isn’t true. It’s really frustrating.

Anyways, later that night I decided to do some shopping. So I went to Dongincheon. Around Dongincheon there’s the underground shopping arcade and the Shinpo Market. Both places are really big! However, when I went to get some cash, I couldn’t get any. Though I told my bank that I would be overseas, my cards weren’t working! I was pissed! Fortunately, I could get stuff when I made purchases with my cards; however, I couldn’t get cash.

In Korea, about 75% of the places only accept cash, especially local restaurants, buses, and trains. It sucks if you just have cards.

When I got back to my apartment, I was really tired.

Today, Friday, I woke up later than usuall. One of the guys that has been trying to convert me came by and got me, so it was tough trying to get away. When I finally got to a bank it was closed. Strangely, I wasn’t freaking out. Somehow I knew God would get me through this.

Sure enough, He did!

One of the teachers at my school let me borrow 100,000 won, which is about $100. I was so grateful! God was very gracious to me! I can’t describe how I felt.

So, yeah, I tried to make this post short, but I don’t think I succeeded. Well, just keep praying for me. I’ll try to update soon.

Peace.

UpDaTe

Well, here I am. It's day three in Korea.

I haven't started work yet. They have to make some schedule changes, so I'll probably start sometime next week. It isn't too bad. It just means that I get to explore for sometime.

Living in another country is strange. Stranger than visiting a country. While Europe was fun and exciting, I didn't have to worry about not seeing other people again. I see the same people everyday... so far anyways. Where I'm living in Incheon is an older neighborhood. So it hasn't seen any remodeling in the past 20 to 30 years. Which is cool in a way because everything is local and untouched by modernization. However, there aren't any foreigners around here to talk to either. It's also different than what I'm used to. In the mornings, Koreans usually go to work, school, or they just walk around looking at stuff, especially the old people. There are stores open in the day, and a few restaurants; but at night, that's when all the bars, clubs, and most of the restaurants open up. Traffic is strange around here too. There aren't many stop signs or stop lights, so Koreans usually just either go around cars that are in their way, or blow their horns at them. If you're walking around on the streets, you either get out of the way of a car or you just wait for cars to stop coming. Common sense is pretty important here. I feel as if in America everything is designed for handicap people. Here it's just move or get run over.

The other day, my boss was taking me to the school. Well, the school is on the 6th floor of some office building. So, to park there you have to take a little tunnel that goes under the building, which is pretty cool. However, someone was parked awkwardly up on the top, so my boss (Mr. Woo) made his way around it. But, as we were going down to the underground parking lot, a woman came driving up toward us and it's only one lane. So, Mr Woo told her that he couldn't back out because there was a car in the way and it would make it difficult, and he asked her if she would back down so he could get in. But this woman decided to argue.
I've never seen Koreans get mad before. It was interesting.

All I saw was Mr Woo get out of his car and walk down to the underground parking lot and yelled at this woman. The next thing I knew there was this old man that came up got into the car I was in and moved it out. He then moved her car. When I saw Mr Woo and this woman they were in each others faces yelling. Mr Woo then spit on this woman's windshield. Honestly, it was quite funny. The old man just seemed to not care. It was just yelling and spitting. Later, Mr Woo apologized to me, and told me that this woman has always been rude and mean, and that he just had enough.

So, that was one of my big experiences on Monday. I met the people I'll be working with. They're all cool. I'm only working with one American, but the rest of the people I work with speak English too, except the math and science teachers.

I've been invited to several churches. There are lots of churches around here. And what's funny is that all the crosses have neon lights around them that light up at night. Some of the churches are a bit heretical, but most of them aren't. The biggest Protestant denomination here is Presbyterianism, primarily the orthodox version. I don't mind that though, most of them have English services too. It looks like the churches I've been invited to are in Seoul. So, it'll probably take me an hour and 20 minutes to get to Seoul via bus and subway on Sunday.

Overall, everything is pretty convienent here. I do get lots of strange looks. Mostly because I'm white and I have blue eyes, but also because I'm a foreigner. Being an American can be a good thing or a bad thing. It's good if you're around older Koreans. If you're around younger Koreans, not so much. Younger Koreans will either love you or hate you. If they hate you it's because they think you just want to get drunk and act stupid. Evidently, a lot of American soldiers tend to get bored in Korea because they don't know the language, so they go out and get drunk when they're not on duty, and that's not cool. Some of the American English teachers do the same too. But what's funny is that Koreans drink like there's no tomorrow. I can't tell you how many times I've seen drunk Koreans on the street who want to fight. Oh well.

Well, that's the update right now. I'm living in my apartment now. Just trying to find food is difficult. But things are turning out OK.

Peace.

iN KoReA

I left Saturday evening from Charlotte, NC to Chicago. It was tough leaving my family, but I know God will watch over them and protect them. When I got to the Chicago airport I almost got lost. Apparently, every terminal in Chicago is separated and the only way you can get from one to the other is to take a train. It sucked. Not only was the international terminal on the other side of the airport, but also I had to go through the security check-in again!

Anyways, while I was waiting on my flight, I met this Korean-American family traveling from Cooperstown, NY to Seoul. God was definitely watching out for me! Not only were they fellow New Yorkers who actually KNEW where my hometown in New York is, but also they were believers! It was an awesome meeting! They introduced me to a church here in Korea (it’s in Seoul, the downtown area, about 1 hour from where I live). I was so blessed to meet this family! God is awesome!

The flight was LONG! I spent half a day flying in a plane! It was even longer than my flight to Europe. But the food and the service was amazing! It was better than the American and European airliners, and it was cleaner too! It was on the plane I had my first taste of Korean food. Korean food is very spicy! So, if you like spicy stuff, Korea is the place for you. It made Mexican spices look like crap! When I got here it was raining, which, evidently, Koreans believe that if you move anywhere when it is raining that is a good thing. It means you’ll be wealthy. I hope so!

Anyways, the owner of the school picked me up. He’s a really cool guy. Very laid-back and relaxed. I feel very honored to be teaching in his school. When my flight landed it was 3 am Monday morning; so, he took me to my apartment. It’s a brand new place, and nobody’s lived in it yet. However, there wasn’t any furniture it yet, and the owner looked upset about that. So, he put me up in this weird hotel. The room isn’t bad, but the place uses black lights to light up the hallways. It’s kinda creepy. Interesting, but strange.

Everything here is packed! I feel kind of stupid because I don’t know any Korean yet. But everyone seems happy to help me and nobody’s looked upset when I didn’t know any Korean. I keep forgetting to take my shoes off before I enter people’s houses and I forget to bow sometimes; however, nobody has given me a hard time for it yet. Hopefully, I’ll get these cultural differences down pat, and I won’t look so stupid.

I really hope I’ll be able to make church this Sunday. I might not work this week, which is kind of disappointing. But, it may be a good thing if I don’t yet. Who knows?

I know you guys have been praying for me. God has definitely been looking out for me even though things have been happening so fast. Fortunately, I haven’t felt scared or frightened doing this at any point. The only thing is that I miss my family and friends back in the States, or at least I will. If you get Skype, I can call you for free just as long as you have it and have a headset (headphones and a microphone combined).

Well, I don’t know when the next time I’ll be online. It costs 500 won an hour, which is like 50 cents a minute roughly. So, I’ll talk to you guys later!

Peace.

mY LaSt DaY

So, here I am on my last full day/night in the US. Am I nervous? Am I ready? Was I crazy? Who knows? I don’t. Honestly, the fear of being over there hasn’t grasped me yet. I don’t know if it will. After traveling to Europe, going up north, and doing things by myself for most of my life, I haven’t really felt the fear of being alone. The only thing that scares me about being alone is the fact that it’s easier to sin. And I hate sin!

I’m glad that I get to go though! I needed to get away and I needed to really figure things out on my own. Though I’m going to be living and working on another continent, in another country, with people speaking a different language that’s not even Western, I know God is going to work in me and change me. That’s what really excites me! I don’t deserve all that he has done for me, and I really wish opportunities like this would never come my way because I’m so undeserving, but I’ll just have to trust Him and give myself up. That’s all.

Yeah, I know I’m going to miss you guys here in the States, but I know I’ll make new friends and have awesome experiences, like eating dog (I’ll personally write a book about eating dog. I’ll call it, Marley Is In Me. Take that!), sleeping in Buddhist temples, teaching lessons, hanging out with kids, traveling around Asia, etc. But, what God has to reveal to me is going to be awesome! Not only will I get to see what He does, but also I’ll get to see how Koreans worship God, which will be really interesting.

Well, maybe I’ll post something here tomorrow, but I don’t know. I’ll probably get in the habit of blogging more often once I figure out how to hook up my laptop in my apartment (Now, that’s nice! A place of my own!)

Peace.

tHe NeW tHiNgS

Eight years ago on June 4, 2001 I became a believer. Though it was never "this day and this day alone," but a working up to a point where I finally gave in to Christ.



Back then things were different.



Now, I can say that I have changed. Though the struggles are worse now then they have ever been, my relationship in Christ has wavered considerably especially in the past couple of years. Now I'm really starting to realize what it means to be crucified with Christ. The cost of it is frightening.



Up to now, I've been looking back at the moments where I failed. I have to admit there have been more moments in my life where I failed Christ than where I brought glory to his name.

The thing is now my struggles are more difficult than ever. Yet, I know he is merciful and gracious, and through him I have victory over sin. Each day is just another challenge.

Now, I'm moving away. I'm not going on vacation, I'm going to live in another country. I'm going to live and work in the Republic of Korea (a.k.a. South Korea). I'm really excited about this. I know this is something God has willed in my life since he told me on June 4, 2001. I just didn't know it would be Korea of all places.

I'm starting to see why.

Some facts about Korea:

1. The capital city, Seoul, is known as the city of poets.

2. Koreans seem to like the outdoors a lot.

3. The nightlife is pretty active, which is a good thing since I'm a nite owl.

4. It's a modern country that really cheap.

Yeah, I am scared. I'm scared because it's a foreign country. Korea's neighbor to the north has nuclear weapons pointed at it. I don't know any Korean. And, I don't know what's going to happen.

But, I trust God. Or, I'm learning to trust God.

So, if you're reading this blog, and you have my number, give me a call sometime. It maybe one year or two years before I come back to the States.

So, yeah.

Peace.

wHat's tO beComE?

In the past couple of days I've been wondering what to do now. For those of you who don't know what's happened, I'm moving to South Korea. The main reason is because I know that is what the Lord has led me to. That's really it right there.

I'm really excited about moving there! I'll be living in the city of Incheon right outside of Seoul. I'm already coming up with plenty of ideas for lessons, but I don't know if I'll be able to use them all. However, it will be interesting to see how things turn out for me. I can't wait to see what God is going to do, and how He'll use me as a witness for His kingdom!

So, yeah, I'll be leaving sometime around the end of June. That's it for now.

Peace.

wHy nO bLoGGiNg LaTeLy?

One answer: I have a journal.

Journals are amazing! True, it's not exactly green, but it's easier to pick and choose what you want to say.

A FACT ABOUT MYRON BROWN:

He loves to hand-write.

cHaNge

Things change.

I've changed.

Somedays I wake up frightened about how much I've changed. Though I still struggle with some things in my life, I know God is taking in a direction I've never been before. It's wonderful and frightening at the same time.

Today, I started volunteering at my church. I loved it. Though I felt a little awkward mingling with middle and high school students, it felt great to be a servant. I know this is what I've been called for. To serve others, to teach others, and to write for others. But what is most rewarding about all of it, is that I know I'm using my gifts and talents to glorify God and serve His kingdom. That's eternal stuff right there.

Granted, I do still have issues in my life. Sins that I'm daily confessing and temptations that I lift up to the Lord. Though sometimes I'm not always successful in resisting, He is still faithful. Jesus has taught me a lot about faithfulness and commitment. Those two things are very difficult for me.

Some people don't like the changes though.

And that's OK, because it's God's work in me. I can't argue or compromise that.

I'll try to update here often.

a bRieF bReaK

Some of you may wonder why I haven't posted lately. Well, my answer is simple: I haven't had anything to post of significance, and my cathargic, thought-filled writing efforts have been emptied elsewhere. So, unless you have been receiving letters from me, which most of you are not, then you probably are not aware of what's going on in my life.

But do not fret. I am not giving up this blog for any occasion. I will return. This temporary blog-vacationing shall end... at least after February or March. :D

tHe ThiNgS wE SaY

Language is the medium of poets and writers. It is, in my opinion, the most powerful and effective way to communicate to others. It has the power to destroy and edify. Unfortunately, few people understand this, especially Christians.

Why is this?

I think it's because Christians are the most postmodern people I know. I know non-believers that are less postmodern than Christians. Now, I'm not saying that postmodernism is bad; on the contrary, postmodernism contains some good stuff in it for us to learn from. An example would be understanding that there is more than one perspective and many different ways Christians come to know Christ. Also, postmodernism should teach us that there is relative truth in this world and we all have different experiences to justify that regardless if we interpreted them as right or wrong.

However, many Christians are so subjective about the small, unnecessary things like traditional versus contemporary, biblical studies versus theology, Calvinism versus Arminianism, etc, that we place things in binaries and become our worst enemy. I'm not saying that theology, biblical studies, and those things are wrong, but you can't place everything in a dichotomy all the time. It's not biblical and it's wrong.

Now, I'm not trying to fix some gap between Christians and make everything right; I can't do that. But Jesus can. However, if we are supposed to be people of the Word, we need to start living like people of the Word. I think the reason why most non-believers attack or argue against Christianity (especially in the West) is because they were hurt by Christians at some point or another. If the Word of Christ is so powerful to change them and bring them to Him, why do we not let it change us and go to Him?

LeTTinG gO

For those of you who don't know me well, I am a big Tolkien fan. You can ask me almost anything about Tolkien's universe and I can give an answer. I'm just that way.

Anyways, in Tolkien's universe, Illuvatar, the God of Tolkien's mythos, made his children. His children are the Eldest and the Youngest. The Eldest are the Elves, and the Youngest are the Men. While Elves and Men look alike, they are different. Elves are immortal and Men are not. Elves and Men can die; however, if a Elf dies he can be reborn, but if a Man dies he goes to the Halls of Mandos to wait till a specific day when Elves and Men will be reunited in a perfect world. Elves are wise and seek to perserve things. Men, on the other hand, seek evil usually. Many bad things happen in The Silmarillion and The Lord of the Rings that reveal the situation of Elves and Men. Because everything dies, Elves seek to perserve because they want to maintain the status quo. They see Men as the antithesis of this to some degree. In both books, both Dark Lords use this desire to perserve to their advantage. Why?

Because in order to perserve you must control.

There's no other way around it.

In some ways I understand the Elves position. Being the oldest in my family, I have a tendecy to be a bit of a perfectionist and I have more experience than my younger brothers. I also remember things well. My worst habit is trying to perserve things and live in perfect nostalgia. I try to relive the best moments in my life only by ruining them. And what's worse is that I even try to perserve the people around me. Though I haven't done this much anymore, it's something that I bad at. I feel like I need to control everything around me in order to feel safe. I would love living in The Shire or Lothlorien to be honest, because that's exactly what the hobbits and Elves try to do in some way.

Yet, I know I am not safe. Nothing in this world is safe. You can try and protect it, but you can't save it. Jesus said not to store up our treasures on earth, but store up heavenly things. This I forgot. Not only do I need to let go of others, but also I must let go of myself. I can't save myself. I think that's why having faith is so important, because the only person who can save your life is Jesus Christ.

It's definitely a struggle for me, but that's why I'm a Christian. If I wasn't struggling I would be dead.

a sTraNgE RaBBiT tRaiL

Recently, I came across a list of things I promised myself I would never do.

1) I will never talk about things I don't know.

2) I will never wish for anything.

3) I will never share my deep feelings with anyone.

4) I will never let people do unnecessary things for me.

5) I will never let anyone get close to me.

Those are just a few of some of things I promised myself a couple years ago. I don't really know if I was completely successful in keeping that list, but it's hard for me to want to break it. Promises are interesting though. When you think about how far a person is willing to hold a promise can be terrifying. Some people don't think promises are important, and break them easily. Some people, like myself, keep them as much as possible. Though I have become relaxed with some of them, I have only let a few go because I realized how vain some of them were.

I think what scares me the most about being human and slowly learning about the condition of my soul is how readily eager I am to destroy everything. I think it's because I want people to feel guilty for hurting me instead of feeling guilty myself. It's just protection. I like to protect myself in any conceivable way possible. But it's a contradiction too.

While I want to hide and protect myself, I really want others to know what's going on inside. Pride is definitely the main factor, but so is fear. Fear is what keeps my pride going. Not many things make me afraid (except falling), but what I'm most afraid of is myself. It scares me to think what God and others think about me. I'd rather not know to be honest.

I'm not sure how I went from talking about promises to talking about my own issues, but sometimes confessing things is difficult. You can't change the world until you change yourself. And the only way you can change yourself is by letting things go. Though that's another blog post waiting to happen, I think this is my big problem right now. I don't want to let what's in my heart out. I know that God knows, but with people you can never know what's going to happen. Just pray for me.

nEw YeaR's DaY

I spent my New Year's Eve and Day out in the wilderness. To be more specific, I spend my holiday out along the Chattooga River. It was cold, but not terribly cold. The low was roughly in the 20s and the high in the 40s. Not bad.

I had a great time! I enjoyed spending it with three great friends, and we enjoyed each others company. Though I did get a little cold while I was sleeping, it was a good trip. However, what I really got out of this trip are the decisions I made on it.

This is a new year, so I want to do what I can to bring God more glory than I have in the past. It has been tough for me making Him my top priority, but I must make the change if I'm going to change. This year is going to be different for me. For those of you around me, I'm not going to be the same like I was before. I want to be His. It's going to be tough, but I know that He will help me as long as I'm willing. And Lord willing, it will happen.